


Can You Feel the Truth in My Words?

by babydollbucky



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), mentions of torture, self-hate, suicidal ideations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 20:04:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19184665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydollbucky/pseuds/babydollbucky
Summary: As part of his recovery, and for his peace of mind, Bucky writes letters to friends, family, and those long gone.





	Can You Feel the Truth in My Words?

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is! This fic was written for the Captain America Reverse Big Bang 2019. 
> 
> Art by the extremely talented echdhu !  
> https://echdhu.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> Beta by carburetorcastiel--Thank you so much for all your help! <3
> 
> Timeline: Post-Civil War, Infinity War didn't happen

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/181988404@N06/48047069476/in/dateposted-public/)

**1\. Mama**

 

2017

 

I remember being 14 and going with you to the store. We brought Becca along in her stroller. Her little face lit up when she saw a toy she really liked (a dog, I think?), and you said we couldn't get it, we didn't have any money to spare. She cried the whole way home.

 

I got her the toy with my paper route money. She squealed and grinned her gap-toothed smile and hugged me.  

 

I remember the way you looked at me, proud and a little sad. You told me I was a good boy.

 

I can’t remember your voice, Mama. I can feel you kissing my cheek and ruffling my hair. I can see your face clear as day, and I know the words, but I can’t remember your voice. It kills me. I wish I had a recording of you speaking, and a photo of you, and dad. At least I have photos of Becca.

 

I remember the cabbage soup you cooked, it was somehow always delicious. I remember you kissing my forehead when I thought Steve was going to die. I remember the look on your face when I told you I’d been drafted.

 

I never wanted to see that pain on your face.

 

You tried to explain to Becca why I had to go. She was so little, she didn't understand. Right before I shipped off, you made beef stew-it must have been my favorite. But, you started crying halfway through dinner.

 

I tried to calm you down, to be strong. But then Dad started crying too. I'd never seen him cry. I tried to be strong for you both.

 

But I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave you, and Dad, and Becca. I didn't want to leave Steve.

 

Because I knew I'd never come home. I knew it in my bones, that I would die over there.

 

I'm so sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t the son you deserved. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to fight it. I’m sorry I couldn’t come home.

 

I'm glad you didn't have to see what happened to me, or what I did.

 

I’m sorry you didn’t get to bury me. It must have been hard not to have a body. I hope the extra money helped.

 

***

 

2018

 

You don’t have to worry anymore, Mama. Steve found me. I'm getting the best help in the world. I'm… getting better, I guess. I'm trying, anyway.

 

Yesterday, I played kickball with the kids. I go to lunch with Sam. I eat dinner with the royal family of Wakanda. I spar with Natasha. I take care of my goats, and it's so surreal.

 

I have a life. I have a good life, considering.

 

I'm happier. I feel guilty for it, but that's happening less and less. I'm… okay. I'll be okay.

 

I miss you so much. I love you, Mama.

 

 

 

**2\. Becca**

 

2018

 

My favorite memory of you is of the day you were born. I was 11, and you were the tiniest thing I'd ever seen. I was so scared to hold you--I thought you might break. But Mama put you in my arms, and you grabbed my finger in your tiny hand. _God_ , I loved you, Becca.

 

You looked like me. I remember we had the same dark brown, wavy hair. The same blue-gray eyes. The same cleft chin. You were eleven years younger than me, and I wanted to protect you. My baby sister, you were so important to me. My little shadow. Steve loved you too, he was your other big brother. You followed us around like a tiny, stubborn duckling and told Ma--

 

You told her you wanted to be like me.

 

I'm so glad you weren't. I'm so glad you were kept out of the war. I'm so glad you weren't with me when I--

 

I'm glad you were gone before I was found. I don't think I could've faced you. I couldn't recover if you hated me. But I also wouldn't have wanted you to feel pity for me.

 

I'm doing well now, so they say. Steve says I look happier. I guess I am. It's nice to be a person again. Hard, but I'm learning.  

 

I miss you. I don’t remember everything, probably never will. But I remember what it was like knowing you needed me. And I miss it. I miss you hanging off of me, and crying when someone pushed you. I remember you telling me you loved me.

 

I am so happy that you had a good life. I hope your husband was good to you. I hope your kids were easy, and that you lived comfortably. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see you get married, or have your babies, or when Mama and Dad passed.

 

I’m sorry I left you. I never wanted to.

 

I’m going to contact your daughters. I want to meet them, and the rest of your family. I don’t think Steve realized you had family, otherwise he would've visited earlier.

 

I'm terrified. They must know who I am, what I've done. Everyone does. They might hate me, and want nothing to do with me.

 

But if they're anything like you, they might understand. Maybe they'll listen to Steve. Maybe they'll forgive me and welcome me.

 

It'd be nice to have family again.

 

I love you, Becca. I hope I can make you proud with the life I’ve got left. God knows I’ll try, my little shadow.

 

 

**3\. My Nieces: Cynthia, Dawn, and Susan**

 

2017

 

I'm your uncle. Uncle Bucky. Sounds sort of ridiculous.

 

I don't know you, but I love you all the same. You are my sister's daughters. My family, my blood.

 

I imagine you three look like your mother. Which means you probably look like me. I hope that hasn’t been a bad thing.

 

Steve says no one has bothered you about me, that no one has figured out who I am to you. I’m glad for that. You don’t deserve to deal with that.

 

I'm not a good man. I've done horrific things. Maybe… maybe it wasn't my fault. But I did it. I won't pretend it was some other person in my body- it was me. I was there. I can't deny that.

 

If you want nothing to do with me, I don't blame you.

 

But, on the off chance you aren't furious, I'd really like to meet my nieces.

 

T'Challa said he’d personally escort all of you here-he figured it’s safer if no one knows about me, and I can't exactly go back to the U.S.

 

Steve would love to meet you, too. He's my best friend, my brother. You might as well be his nieces too.

 

I know it’s a lot to ask, but I hope you'll at least consider it. I don't deserve it, but I'm holding out hope that you three are willing to meet me.

 

If nothing else, know that I love you, and always will.

 

 

**4\. Sarah**

  
2018

 

I think the only thing I've done right in my life is protect Steve. He's always been, and always will be, the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like him (I don't, not really), but god am I grateful you gave me him.

 

You raised the best man anyone will ever know. You gave me my best friend. You treated me like your own, even when you had nothing to spare.

 

The memory of you helped me remember myself, and my life before… everything--helped me convince Steve I was still in there.

 

Please forgive me.

 

I hurt him, bad. I...I almost killed him, and I _did_ kill many more. I’m not a good person, not like you, and not like Steve. But he wouldn’t give up on me. It hurts to think about what I’ve done, but he’s always there, to pick up the pieces. He brings me back to myself over and over.

 

I think, without him, I couldn’t stand to live. He makes it possible for me to see a future. He’s done a lot things that have gotten him into trouble for my sake. And he doesn't regret them.

 

He is your son through and through, Sarah. Heart of gold, will of iron. He’s everything to me, always has been.

 

I wish I could say that I will take care of him, the way I used to. I'll try my damndest, but he's still stubborn as hell, and I'm… trying to take care of myself.

 

We'll look out for each other; I'll say that much. That, I promise you.

 

 

**5\. Dum Dum, Morita, Gabe, Monty, and Dernier**

 

2018

 

I miss you guys. I miss a lot, but you five are maybe the only thing about the war that I miss.

 

I’m glad you got the recognition you deserve, and that you got to go home and live your lives. I met your grandson, Morita, he’s a principal in a school. He’s a good guy. Gabe, your grandson was a SHIELD agent! Damn good at his job, I hear.

 

I’m glad you didn’t have to see what happened to me. You would’ve felt guilty, like Steve.

 

Steve says he visited you, Tim, before you went. I’m glad. He was so alone. I wish…

 

I wish a lot of things.

 

But I guess, I mostly wish I could’ve said goodbye. I’m glad you got out and stayed out, because I have no doubt that if you guys had still been involved in SHIELD, I would’ve been sent after you.

 

I’ve hurt so many people, so many friends, and I’m glad you weren’t among them.

 

But maybe I can make the Howlies proud with what I’ve got left. What do you think about that, fellas? I’m sure as hell going to try.

 

**6\. Peggy**

 

2017

 

The night we sat around a dinner table in France, in a two-storey inn, is something I remember fairly clearly. Howard was drunk as hell, the guys weren’t far behind. Steve nursed a beer, you drank red wine, and I had a shot of whiskey. We had just destroyed a Hydra base, and were celebrating. Howard started singing _Ac-Cent-Tchu-ate the Positive,_ and we all laughed because he couldn’t form the words right.

 

You, you joined right in, sweet alto voice carrying in the night. Steve sang too, which was a goddamn _miracle_. I even sang, miserable as I was! We messed up one of the verses, and laughed for hours.

 

It was so nice, just to _be_. In the middle of a war, we weren’t soldiers or agents or killers or saviors. Just people. Just a group of friends being ridiculous, like we should’ve been able to be. We were so young.

 

I feel like I took him from you. Like maybe, if I hadn’t fallen, he would’ve tried harder to land that damn plane. I could’ve pushed him, I could have made sure he came back to you.

 

Thank you for loving him. I wish he’d gotten to have a life with you, because I know he loved you, probably still does. I’m sorry I missed you, but I don’t think I could stand to have you look at me knowing I ruined all of your hard work.

 

It _is_ my fault. SHIELD was undermined because of what I did. I’m so sorry. Steve says you didn’t know, though. I guess you do now, so I’m sorry.

 

You were so good for him. You saw _him._ You made him proud of himself, you made him more confident, stronger, unafraid to lead. As much as the serum enhanced him, I think you did too.

 

Steve misses you something fierce.

But he’s so proud of the life you lived. You did amazing things, Peggy, you were an incredible woman. I may have ruined SHIELD, but your legacy will outlive Steve and me both. I’m proud to have known you, as a capable agent (the most capable of us), and as a friend.

 

Rest well, Pegs. Keep watch over us, yeah?

 

 

7.  **Howard**

 

2017

 

Your kid tried to kill me last year.

 

I don't blame him.

 

That was the first time I saw a video of what I've done. I murdered you and your wife, and I didn't know until I was free.

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt your family. I'm sorry you didn't get to see what Tony became. I'm sorry you didn't get to see Steve again. I'm sorry that HYDRA overtook SHIELD.

 

I'm sorry.

 

I have to thank you, for looking for Steve when everyone else had given up.

 

Thank you, for giving him a chance to be something great. I always knew he was, but you made the world see it, too.

 

And thank you for making it so that he could--

 

Find me.

 

Because sometimes I think that if anyone else had found me and tried to help me, I would’ve killed myself. Sometimes I still think about it. If Steve would be better off…

 

But I’m still here. And I’m grateful he’s here with me. Even if sometimes, I can’t stand to be around him for the guilt.

 

I don’t expect Tony to forgive me. I don’t expect _you_ to, either. But I hope that you understand that I would rather have been dead than murder you and your wife.

 

***

 

2018

 

Tony is speaking to Steve again. He wants to talk to me about everything, hash out what happened.

 

Can you believe it?

 

He… he forgives me.  

 

He convinced Ross to drop our charges. All of us. We're no longer fugitives.  

 

Steve can go home. Sam and Natasha can go home.

 

I… can go home.

 

Your kid has some heart, Howard.

 

 

**8\. Tony**

 

2017

 

Steve saved my life twice. The first time, I was on a table, delirious with fear and pain. He appeared like a goddamn avenging angel. He got me out of there; he kept me sane for three years.

 

The second time… he kept me from joining the people I killed.

 

There have been a lot of times that I thought about dying. For a long time, I didn’t think I could learn to be a human again. I didn’t think I could live with the guilt.

 

I might deserve to die. But I think living with what I’ve done is harder. I hope that gives you some comfort.

 

I know you don’t believe me, but I _do_ remember every single person I hurt.

 

And I never chose to do it. I wish your mother hadn’t been in that car. I’m sorry.

 

Their deaths are the ones I regret the most. Not because of you, but because I knew Howard, he was my friend. He had cared about me, once. He gave Steve a body that could withstand almost anything.

 

He found Steve, he saved him. I owe Howard everything.

 

But I can’t change what I did.

 

I hope that, eventually, you’ll understand that I would rather have died than murder your parents.

 

They wouldn’t let me die. I tried.

 

Steve misses you. He won’t say it, but he does. He respects you. If you’re going to hate someone, let it be me. He’s the most stubborn moron I’ve ever known. But he’s loyal to a fault. He lied to you to protect me. I'm not saying it's right, but wouldn't you do the same for your family?

 

Please don’t abandon him because of me. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

 

***

 

2018

 

Thank you.  

 

I've never seen Steve smile so much. He said you're the most annoying bastard he knows, but he's glad you've come around. You're his family too, Stark. Don't forget that. And don't forget how _lucky_ you are that Steve decided you're one of the good ones. You've got him in your corner, and he's not one to give up (in case you haven't noticed).

 

I hope that we can be friends, or at least friendly, if not for real, then for Steve's sake. I never meant to break up the Avengers, and I know it was more than just me, but I was part of it.

 

I'll always feel shame for what I did to you and your family. I'll never be able to forgive myself completely, and I never expected you to forgive me.

 

But you did anyway.

 

Steve's right; you are a good one.

 

 

**9\. Shuri**

 

2018

 

You’ve saved my life, kid. You’ve given me my life back.

 

I don't know how you did what you did, but I'm grateful. Between fixing my brain and getting me the best help available, and the arm, I can feel that I'm getting better.

 

You remind me of my little sister. She was insanely smart too. She would have loved you. I can just imagine you two talking about my arm together. She'd call me a robot, and you'd correct her and teach her about the mechanics of it. She'd be wide eyed, but catch on quick.

 

And I can imagine you both making fun of your brothers.

 

You and T'Challa are lucky to have each other. And, as an older brother, I can say with certainty that he loves the hell out of you.

 

You're a good kid.

 

***

 

What did you do to my goats? Why are they...orange? Is it some kind of holiday I don’t know about?

 

You know what? I don’t even care. You’re washing the color out, I ain’t doing it. I don’t care if you’re a princess, you did this, you clean it up. I think your brother would agree with me.

 

 

  
**10\. T’Challa**

 

2018

 

I owe you.

 

You put your entire country on the line to help me.

 

I’m still not entirely sure why, but I’m grateful.

 

Had it not been for you agreeing to hide me away, and help me, I think I would’ve disappeared again.

 

You’re a good man, T’Challa. And it helped me a lot to know that you respect Steve like he deserves. So whether you’ve done this because he asked you to, or because you wanted to help me, thank you.

 

Your people are lucky to have you as their king.

 

If someone had asked me a hundred years ago if I could imagine being friends with (or watching movies with) a king, I would have thought they were out of their mind. Hell, I didn’t think I’d live to see a hundred. I guess I’m going to see a lot more than that, huh?

 

I’m hoping I can use that time, and the help you’ve given me to make up for some of what I did. With everyone I’ve become close to, I’m optimistic. I haven’t felt like that in… a hundred years.

 

 

**11\. Sam**

 

2017

 

I owe you for being there for him. I owe you for keeping him alive, for taking my place. For protecting him, and checking him, and making sure he didn't get himself killed.

 

You're probably the best thing that could've happened to him. You came to him when he needed someone the most. You were with him when--

 

When he found me. You helped him find me again after that, though I don’t really know why.

 

I’m sorry I destroyed your wings, and that you were put in prison for helping me.

 

But thank you.

 

I know you didn’t do it for me, but I’m grateful all the same.

 

I do admire you, though. You're a good man. It's no wonder Steve thinks so highly of you. I hope you're enough like him to…

 

To forgive me. To be a friend.

 

I wouldn't hold it against you if you couldn't do that. I know I'm… a lot. And you've done enough.

 

***

 

2018

 

I take it back, you're terrible. You're just like Steve, too much like him! Jesus Christ, no wonder you two get along like a house on fire.

 

You're both nuts, crazier than I am, egging each other on. One jumps off planes with no chute, _by choice,_ and the other dodging bullets in the air, _without the wing-shields!_ You maniacs.

 

Sam, I thought I could trust you! You were supposed to watch Steve’s back, not join him!

 

Anyway, thanks for the Star Wars marathon. Lord of the Rings next?  

 

 

 **12.** **Natasha**

 

2017

 

I’m sorry I shot you in Odessa. And in D.C.

 

I’m sorry you got caught in the middle of everything with the Accords. That you had to make such a hard choice. I hate that the Avengers were torn apart because of me. But I’m grateful that you chose Steve. He needs you to have his six out there.

 

You might be the only other person in the world who understands what it's like to have no sense of self. To be erased over and over again, used and hurt. But you came out of it on your own. I know the archer helped you, but you made yourself into a person. You earned Steve’s trust and friendship. That means there’s something good in you, even if you don’t think so. I’m trying to remember that, myself.

 

Steve adores you, I hope you know that. He needs a friend like you, and I'm glad he has you.  

 

I'm glad you made me start sparring with you. I appreciate you not pulling your punches with me, like everyone else. It’s nice to see what I can do without--

 

Without losing control.

 

I tried to kill you, twice, and failed, so I know you’ll be fine. And you're not one to mince words when there's no reason to. You'll tell me the truth, even when I don't want to hear it, or believe it.

 

And, It’s fun to practice my Russian. It’s a beautiful language, when it’s not being used to force me to kill people.

 

You’re one of the good ones, Natasha.

 

You're the most level headed person I know, and I'm glad I can call you a friend now.

 

***

 

2018

 

I had forgotten what a broken wrist felt like. Not fun. How’re your bruises? I know we’ve both had worse injuries, but rib stuff doesn’t feel great.

 

I’m more concerned that you flipped me over. I weigh 280 pounds! You’re, what? 130? How? I guess the whole “the smaller you are, the more agile you are” thing is true, but that still doesn’t explain how you LIFTED ME INTO THE AIR.

 

You sure you’re not a super soldier? Sorry, bad joke. Steve doesn’t like when I make those kinds of jokes, too dark. But it helps me cope. So he can suck it up.

 

I like the blonde, by the way. Almost as shocking as Steve’s beard. I half-hoped Sam would be wearing a clown suit or something.

 

Doubt he’d go for it though.

 

You coming for dinner next month? Steve doesn’t know, but we’re planning a big party for his birthday. He always hated celebrating his birthday--felt like the money was being wasted. But he can’t complain now that an actual _king_ is paying, right?

 

 

  
**13\. Zola**

 

2018

 

You took nearly everything from me.

 

I used to wish you had just killed me. Lying on that table with your poison in my veins--I wanted to die. I was afraid of what you were doing to me.

 

When Steve came, I was glad to still be around to watch out for him. But it never left my mind what you did to me.

 

Steve says your people found me after I fell from the train, that you were able to continue your...work on me. I don’t remember. But I know it was you.

 

You took my arm, and replaced it with a machine. You tried to replace _me._

 

You failed.

 

Not because I fought it, though I did. Not because your methods were flawed, though they were.

 

It’s because of Steve. You underestimated how much he means to me. I’m not me without him. He’s my best friend, he’s part of me. You couldn’t destroy me because Steve was still out there.

 

You couldn’t take him from me.

 

So here I am--myself again, with Steve.

 

You failed.

 

 

**14\. Myself**

 

2018

 

My name is James Buchanan Barnes. I was born on March 10,1917. I go by Bucky. My mother was Winifred, my father was George, and my sister was Rebecca.

 

Steve Rogers is my best friend. He's the reason I'm here.

 

I'm not a good man, but I'm not a monster, either.

 

None of it was my fault. I was drafted, I fell, I was captured, tortured, brainwashed. I had no control.

 

I know all of this.

 

I also know that I did terrible things.

 

My hands aimed and pulled the trigger. Broke bones, slashed throats, threw grenades. I did that.

 

I remember _everyone_ I was sent after. I remember some of the torture. I wish I didn't.  But what I do remember, I figure it's a fitting punishment.

 

I have good days and bad days. More good than bad, now. But the bad days can be bad.

 

Still, I try to hold onto the thought that I was not in control. That I would never have chosen to do any of it. I would rather have died.

 

But I didn’t. I’m alive, I’m getting better. Steve is out there still fighting, and I’m going to get out there, one day. I’m going to watch his back, like I was meant to. I’m going to use what was forced on me to help people.

 

I can do it. I just need a little more time.

 

I _deserve_ time, and happiness, and progress. I deserve to rest and recover as much as I can. I don't _have_ to fight. I can make that choice.

 

But I want to. I want to help people, people like me. People who have no choice. To protect Steve as he does the same.

 

One day, I'll stop. But while I can still use what was forced into my veins, I will.

 

I deserve to be with my family and my friends.

 

 

  
**15\. Steve**

 

2018

 

I could write or talk forever about what you mean to me, and it would never be enough.

 

Yes, I've had the best help in the world. But it wouldn't matter if you weren't here. There would be no progress without you, Steve. I… don't think I could've done anything but die without you by my side.

 

I will never escape what I've done, but I'm moving forward. Little by little, I'm learning to keep going. That's because of you.

 

You're my North Star. You always have been. You keep me sane when the world is falling apart. I just have to look at you and I know I'll survive.

 

I was good at killing, so they made me the best. That wasn't a coincidence. They chose me, Zola and Hydra. They chose me to be the opposite of you, the antithesis to Captain America. They saw the darkness in me and amplified it.

 

But you've never seen that, have you? You always see the best in people. You bring out the best in people. You attract people who are good, and they stay with you. You convinced a king not to kill me, to take me in and help me. You convinced a man whose parents I murdered to forgive me. You convinced your friends that I was worth saving.

 

You convinced me I was worth something.

 

You've always done the right thing. I followed you, just to keep you safe.

 

You are the best of humanity.

 

I don't deserve you, Steve. I never have. Even before the war, as kids, you were always better than me. I was never _good_ , not like you. It's only because I met you on the playground in first grade that I--

 

Even when I was actively killing you, you banked on thinking you could get through to me. You believed I was in there.

 

For a long time, I wished you had just had the guts to kill me. I wished I had died on that table in Austria. It would have saved a lot of lives.

 

But you came for me. And I wasn't _happy_ , not really, but I was with you. That was just as good.

 

Then I realized what they'd really done to me.  Bruises healed too fast, I was too strong. My shots were too good. But I had you to distract me. I had to keep you safe, that was my purpose. It always has been.

 

You know that, right? The only thing I've ever wanted was to keep you alive. When you were a sickly little guy, and when you became a big lug. I needed you to be alright.

 

I still do.

 

Every broken bone, every injection, every fight, every kill, every wipe--I wished I could die. I tried to bite through my tongue, I pocketed knives, I did what I could.

 

A couple of times, they hurt me so badly I thought…

 

But they never let me die.  

 

Too valuable.

 

After you found me, I wasn't even sure what it meant to live or die. Once the full weight of everything I'd done came crashing down, well...

 

But you found me again, and haven't left me alone since. You don't let me fall back into the darkness. Even when I can't focus on anything, or when I'm triggered, or just… empty, you're there, maybe not physically, but I know I can lean on you.

 

Like you used to lean on me.

 

I hope one day I'll be better enough that you feel you can do that again. We took our turns, so maybe we can lean on each other soon.

 

I hate that you’re out there fighting without me. I know Sam and Natasha will look out for you. But I need to be there.

And I will be, soon.

 

I have hope for the future, my future, because of you.

 

My new goal in life is to make you proud in addition to keeping your dumb ass safe. It's to make myself proud, too.

 

My brother, my Captain, my King (blame Sam).

 

You let me beat the shit out of you, would've let me kill you, on the off chance that I was still a person.

 

You're an idiot. A stubborn, moronic, selfless punk.

 

But, you’re my best friend. And I'm really glad you didn't give up on me, Steve.

 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/181988404@N06/48047151627/in/dateposted-public/)


End file.
